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hrmm
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Jul. 31st, 2007 @ 10:33 pm
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Lately I've been in a strange mood to write, a journal I guess. My thoughts and emotions, how my day went and so on.
Well. today was interesting I guess. I had yesterday and today away from work to relax and get ready for the hectic pace of Walgreens again. I really didn't achieve much of anything, I just did pretty much nothing and tried to get some thoughts in line. I've been under a lot of stress from work lately and I'm afraid it's starting to effect my personal life. I mean for fuck's sake I talk about it all the time, it's become everything that makes me unhappy in the world. I feel like I live in the god forbidden place I'm there so much, I mean even on my days off I go in to check the schedule and grab a few necessities as well as to check on employees to see how buisness is going and I'm not even a freaking manager. I talk about work constantly with my friends because it gets under my skin so much, hell I even rant to Alicia about it. Work is becoming everything to me and it's kind of getting scary to think about it that way.
Tonight I tried to give Alicia a call. We've been kind of seeing each other for a little over a week now and I cant get her off my mind. It's probably me but when she picked up the phone she seemed a bit annoyed that I called and said that she was busy and she would call me back later. I felt kind of bad... I wasnt sure if she was annoyed and didn't want to talk to me or it was my own imagination. My moods can shift at the drop of a hat sometimes and I guess I was being too paranoid so I got a little bit depressed. I walked through the neighborhood to try and clear my head. It's a hot quiet night outside and all I could think about was my past. That's not necessarily a good thing to think about when you're in a bad mood, especially when you've gone through hell and back a few times like me. I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness just hit me like a kick in the stomach, I dont know why but it just happened and I hate it.
I get to thinking when I feel like this, and like I said before it's usually not a good thing. I ponder on my problems instead of focusing on the many great things going on in my life. I'm mostly nervous, nervous that I'm setting myself up for a world of pain again because for once I'm feeling emotions I have avoided for years. The last time I felt like this I was just starting to date Kodi. Well that ended fan-fucking-tastically didn't it? I devoted my heart to someone for over 3 years only to be betrayed in the worst possible way. I'm still hurting over it, and I doubt it will ever stop. I've reached a pint in my life where I want to move on though... and I'm incredibly scared about it... terrified even because I don't want to be hurt again.
I've had relationships between Kodi and now, but I never felt anything about it. Something to keep me mildly content with life and that's it. There was ..oh god what was her name.. er... but anyways I almost moved to Las Vegas in desperation, in hope that I could forget my past instead of face it. I dated Teri for 9 months, but I felt nothing for her. I dug deep inside me to try and look at her and see something to love in her and I couldn't. I broke up with her because of that and it nearly destroyed her. I mean yes, I feel bad about it but how can you stay with someone when you have absolutely no desire to be with them. The physical attraction wasn't even there.
So here I am, dating this woman who is everything I've ever looked for in a person... and it's scaring me. Not scaring me because I'm terrified of her but I'm scared to death of screwing it up. I guess you could call it falling for someone, and the rate I'm tumbling into the oblivion of senseless endearment is startling... even to me. I dont want to lose that feeling I get when we talk on the phone, the feeling I get when I see her beautiful smile and those green eyes I could stare into for days on end just sighing like a lovestruck poet daydreaming beneath a tree on a beautiful summer day. I'm nervous about the fact that she's in college, 4 hours away and in the mountains. I'm already daydreaming aobut her, our conversations, and the future at every moment of the day. People are asking me why I'm not snapping at customers at work and wondering if I'm sick!
Something is changing inside of me folks, and I think I like it. With change there is also a strange feeling of dread if you could call it that. I don't ever want to go through the pain that I've gone though these last few years. The kind of pain where every day you want to curl up into a little ball and just die because everything hurts... not just mentally but physically too. To go to sleep and have nightmares every night causing you to wake up in a cold sweat, not knowing where you are and just being completely disoriented. To roll over after years of having someone sleeping by your side and find nothing there but a big empty cold space. I mean fucking hell people, I still stay to one side of the bed thinking I have someone beside me. There's a hole inside of me like that empty side of the mattress... make that a fucking big black empty void sucking the god damn life out of me. It seems stupid, and shallow of me to look to others for my happiness... and in a way I am and I'm not. I'm happy with how far I've come over the last few years. It's been a tooth and nail struggle to keep myself from jumping in front of a fucking bus or putting a gun in my mouth to just end it all. I've had to remind myself that I'm stronger than this and one day, one day I will find that part of me that died when life went so horribly wrong. One day I will find it in me to care for other people and love someone with all of my heart, to spend the rest of my years loving them more than anything else in the world. Is that so wrong of me, to want that final piece in a puzzle that is just now starting to look like a picture instead of a blurred fragment of something beautiful?
I've fought, and survived this far but I'm missing that piece. Something about my very soul is screaming to be satisfied, that longing to love and to be loved. To move on with my life and achieve dreams I had abandoned years ago. I want to have those dreams again. I want to live life to the fullest, to have someone by my side to experience the beauty of life with. Someone to talk to on rainy nights over tea and a movie. Someone to comfort when they're down, someone to comfort me when I'm feeling like this.
That final piece... is someone to grow old with.. who won't hurt me. |
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Survey
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Jul. 31st, 2007 @ 09:36 pm
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1. What Do You Say Most When You're Trying Not To Curse?
feck, freakin, or I just cuss
2. Do You Own An iPod?
Nope
3. Which Person(s) In Your Top Friends Do You Talk To The Most? Matt and Aariel, I fucking live with them
4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
1pm
5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?
Absolutely
6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
Wearing sandals bugs me
7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
Take.
8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
300
9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?
No
10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?
Sometimes, I usually deserved it.
11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
No, but I should
12. What CD Is Currently In Your CD Player?
2 The Ranting Gripphon
13. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?
Neither
14. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
No
15. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?
I refuse to drink starfucks
16. Can You Whistle?
Yes
17. Do You Have A Trampoline In Your Back Yard?
No
18. Do You Think People Talk about you behind your back?
Probably
19. Did You Watch Cartoons As A Child?
Yes. I still do
20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
300, mirror mask, and fern gully
21. What Is The Last Thing You Purchased?
Cigarettes, my last pack!
22. Is There Anything Wrong With Girls Kissing Girls?
No
23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?
Yes, wearing it now. It's OhGr
24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?
Basalmic vinegar with feta and rosemary
25. Is anyone in love with you?
I can only wish
26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
Yes
27. Ever Cry In Public?
No
28. Do You Like Anyone?
Absofuckingtively yes
29. Are You Currently Wanting Any Piercings Or Tattoo?
Yes
30. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?
Customers, every god damn day I work
31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
Yes
32. What Did You Do Before This?
Texting someone and watching House
33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
Years ago
34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
4 hours
35. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily?
No
36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?
When I'm working, yes. When I'm off I like to relax
37. What are you doing right now?
Daydreaming
38. Do you use sarcasm?
usually
39. Have You Ever Been In A Fight?
I've been in countless fights
40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?
Nope
41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
Yes a couple years ago
42. Have You Ever Gotten Beat up?
Yes
43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
The opposite sex
44. Do you like mustard?
Yes
45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach, Or Back?
Side
46. Do You Watch The News?
Sometimes
47. How Did You Get Three Of Your Scars?
One suicide attempt, 3 stabbings, and countless fights... plenty more scars too. |
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Smile
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Jul. 31st, 2007 @ 01:18 am
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With a smile that could light a room
She has taken me by surprise
Thoughtful, brilliant beauty
Set behind her soft green eyes
A place to lose your soul
A place to find life gain
That smile
Those eyes
I am taken by surprise
Wholly and completely
Without a doubt
Taken, Taken
By her smile
Her beautiful eyes |
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Jul. 31st, 2007 @ 01:16 am
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It's about time I wrote another one of these. Where I am in life right now. I guess I can start as to how I feel, which is pretty good. Things are going very well at this point. I have awesome friends, a freakin nice place to live in, and someone in my life who I just simply cant get off my mind.
Work sucks, as usual... but I'm keeping my eyes open for better jobs or the possibility to move up in the company. It's a good company to work for, but there's the small things every day that just get me to irritated I want to just walk out the door. I've changed so much in that aspect because normally I would of given walgreens the finger and left by now. It feels good to finally be able to hold down a steady job even though sometimes I fucking hate it.
Where I live is another good thing. I mean it's a great place, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that the townhome I live in has more square footage than some of the houses I lived in growing up. I mean for fuck's sake the place has 3 floors, a half finished basement, a full kitchen, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, a back yard [kind of], a garage, dining room, living room, computer room, laundry room, and 2 communtiy swimming pools nearby. It's so strange because I'm smack dead in the center of saudi-aurora but it's like an island away from the crime and the scum of the earth who live around me.
My friends, the best I've ever had in my life because they are always there for me. Matt an Aariel are more than just friends to me they are my family. They have done so much for me in the last few months than anyone has ever done for me in my entire life who isnt a family member. I'm extremely grateful to have friends like these because we get along so well. I'm so glad I actually am able to share a household with them, I actually feel honored.
My love life [a hugely misunderstood phase.. so shut the fuck up] is great, I've found someone I can talk to, who feels almost the same way about life as I do and has so much knowledge to offer, not to mention the willingness to learn more about other things. A mind that is completely open, honest, and brilliant. She's beautiful too, with eyes you could lose your soul in, a cute tiny little voice, and when she smiles... when she smiles it's like the world becomes a better place for just that moment. Someone who can appreciate a woodburning fire place, hot tea and staying indoors to watch movies on a cold day. Someone who sleeps with lots of blankets in a cold room in the dead of winter [I thought I was the only lunatic who did that.. honestly lol]. Someone who loves food, and loves to cook just as much. Someone who actually reads, but not only that but someone who reads great literature! Someone who knows a world of knowledge and is willing to share it, but also listen to what people have to say. Someone who isnt afraid to be themself, express themself, and live life so vibrantly that even the small things seem meaningful and amazing.
A woman, who is so warm and beautiful she could make a bitter, cold, angry soul smile until his face hurt.
Right now, I feel... happy. Not just any kind of happy but the happy where you know things are going to be ok after all. I'm doing things I haven't done in years! I'm cooking again, writing again, reading again, and trying new things in life.
My anger, that fuel that kept me going for so long. That black burning coal deep inside me from being hurt so much, betrayed by too many people is dying. I have confidence in myself now. I dont have just one emotion dominating my life, I'm not pissed off at everything now. Dont get me wrong, there are just some things in life that make me want to tear my hair out in a ranting fit over... but the little things have gained their romance, and the monotonous daily routine has those little breaks in it... like those black and white pictures with one vibrantly colored thing in it.
That's how my life is, it was once a dreary black and white photo... imagine those old faded photographs of no man's land in WWI. Now imagine there was a garden in one of them, but the photo was so horrible you never noticed it before. That garden is now in vibrant color and when you see the garden you hardly even notice the rest of the ugly horrible things in the photo. Life can be ugly, dark, and outright irritating... but right now it's so wonderful that nothing else matters.Current Mood:  thoughtful |
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7/29/07
Something to smile about Lately I've had my head in the clouds for a pretty good reason. I've started seeing someone lately that just has me daydreaming all day. I'm nervous, because there's an extremely intelligent, beautiful, honest woman out there and it freaking blows my mind. It's not every day you find someone with an open mind, great thoughts about life, and beautiful dreams who can carry on with a 4 hour conversation about everything from dreams, to politics, to food. We've only just started dating, but when we're out it's as if the world stops and the hours pass like minutes. Even when we talk on the phone. I'm wanting to talk to her every day but I dont want to be overbearing..
Crazy times, but I'm grinning like an idiot so it's a good thing.
7/27/7
Wow So last night had to be one of the most interesting nights I've ever had in a long time. I had been talking to someone for a bout a week and we decided to meet for coffee. The day of, I'm a total loose cannon at work being somewhere from manic and slightly nervous to a strange sense of excitement that is almost indescribable. I of course got fed up with work. Eventually just said fuck it and took off half an hour early to go change shirts and make sure I dont look like a total unshaven asshole who just crawled out of a gutter on colfax and I headed out.
So here I was sitting at a table facing the door at village inn reading the same menu over and over to keep my mind from wandering off the deep end which most of the time isn't a good thing. Every time I heard the door creak [by then in my anticipation I had learned the creaks of the doors.. because I'm strange like that] I would look up. Exactly on time I had to make a double take and found myself tripping over myself just to say "hi".
With the graces of caffine, lack of sleep, and the residue of a somewhat persistant manic episode a great conversation was born. I don't know... to me a conversation is something that means more than any other social or physical interaction out there. I found myself blabbering endlessly about everything, and finding that I was actually being understood and getting counterpoints, opinions, thoughts, and being listened to. Oh god someone wake me up now this is surreal.
So village inn closes at 1 A.M. for some strange fucking reason unbeknownst to ranting insomniacs like me and I figured we both would go our merry ways and whatever right? Wrong. I light up a cigarette and it gets more interesting from there because the conversation only got deeper and deeper. Everything from literature to politics to religion... even fucking serial killers! I felt like I was in a book, the dialogue was surreal and exciting.
The night [early morning rather] was drawing to a close, I mean to say that time was flying by so fast to me and I mentioned something or another to a refference of fossils and talked about a paleontology trip I had been on in 8th grade! 8th fucking grade.. that was almost 10 years ago for fucking christs sake! She turns to me and it just got obcenely surreal. Apparently we went on the same trip! What a small world! We got to talking and we knew some of the same people, and talked about where some of them are now.
The night eventually ended because the both of us were so freakin tired that we just had to get some sleep. I drove home just trying to store everything, comprehend everything, and just smiling ear to ear.
Finally someone mentally, physically, and spiritually [in a sense] beautiful. I dont place hopes into things often, but today I couldnt get the night out of my head. A genuine smile appeared everytime I thought about it. I have high hopes. It was a night to remember at the least
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